hug him for me.sister

spoiled brain

Thank you.for everything.for yourself.and for these 550 days you presented to me.
it's priceless.

i asked Katty to tell me about you sometimes.
weird that you asked her about the same.
i need this hope.this empty hope,a foolish dream
that someday i would probably be able to be near with you


spoiled brain
the girl is acting weird and silly in some way.
the girl smiles in university,then turns around,sitting down on the ground near to building where has to be that moment and feels that there's nothing in the world that'll lift her up.
a mix of strong pain in the bottom of stomach,paranoia and her dreams drives her completely crazy.
but she gets up.asking one of the friends to go inside with her,sits in a classroom with her head bent back,eyes closed and hoobastank playing in her iphone.she cannot listen to lecturer,he doesn't even disturb her speaking loud with microphone's help.she cannot focus on subject.well,to tell the truth she doesn't want to.
and this is a week without.it's just harder when you know there's one,or even two or three weeks left to wait,wait and wait.to live in hope that the guy will come back to her tomorrow


spoiled brain
the worst thing in the world is your way home.alone.when you know noone is waiting for you in web.at least the one you need more than anybody now.when every_fucking_one around see you love him when call even one his name.and you stand near to the train doors all in black like a widow(though some say you look like jared leto),with your so-called make-up almost completely erased from your face.holding yourself in hands not to cry aloud like a little pathetic child.seeing a middle-aged man standing near to you in nice suit,then you look up to see his eyes...and almost fall into histeric,because his tired greenish eyes are full of tears.this is what ppl call a dispair.and you start to whisper words after gerard to calm down a little,but that doesn't help.all your way home you look in his eyes,see him looking back at you and your heart breaks from the pain you see there and pain he must have seen in yours.

i talked about my 'family' today-Ry,Elli,Robbie-brother,Katlin-my lovely sis.and one thing came to mind.i scared myself.
am i creating a family and pretending it's all fine just to not feel alone?to hide everythng what's inside under a smile?


spoiled brain
i depend
you laid shit
i asked to come for talk
you simply didn't

now prove me Benjamin is wrong.
he said 'no love.there is no love'


my frozen state(c)

spoiled brain
kid is just a.f.u.c.k.e.d.

kid was told to find a way to get adrenalin.
kid doesn't know when,where and how
and looks like nothing will help
that's what you make me go through,ha
too nice of you,caramel


typical fall attitude

spoiled brain
a psychodelic moment.a fucking mask of happy girl.well maybe i was cheerful.
sometimes i think i'd better not to come to web at all when you're there.
at least untill you're playing a hurt severe bastard.
shit,i'm just tired!!
is that enough clear?
i know my lovely Katty will talk to you about that.but that's not what i really wanted.
i appreciate her too much,but she just cannot comfort our relationships all the time.
what a pathetic child,huh
yes.i cannot tell you what really freaks me out.what really disturbs.makes me feel sick.
why sometimes you make me almost hate you for being so rude with me.do i really deserve this?
some say 'noone deserves your tears,but those who deserve would never make you cry'
that just makes me think i shouldn't have fell in love with you.
that does not mean i don't feel anything.it just feels wrong in some way.
or appreciate me,or fucking get off
[when i cannot get off myself,because need you too much]
just again you made me feel useless
when all i need is at least a sign of tenderness,caress,warmth and love
you forgot i am a kitten,yup?


spoiled brain
'don't pay of attention,i just play'

fuck yeah.that's exactly what i wanted to hear.
emotional junkie.


'i won our deal'

spoiled brain
if you stop playing i will probably tell you everything

i don't know what's truth already.
too exhausted after this games
and masks of friends-lovers-peacemakers
except for this crazyness


spoiled brain
let's keep playing.
untill you give up
like you always did

just one question-what did you want to hear from me yesterday?
i know you came specially to hear this.
for fuck's sake,stop it
and i know you're hurt,by the way

'--so?have something to say?
-only that love you
-i've heard it.'

aye??next time you'll be the first to say it.


"love happens"

spoiled brain
i somehow knew this is going to happen.
stop it.don't do it again.

'Just want some experiment? Want to see how do you look in my eyes now? Watch my relation to you following days. I will show you. And you will decide how much its pleasure to you'

'Just look people always looking for more pleasant anothers to talk, to spend the time with them.Always choice'

i didn't fucking choose anyone! i coulldn't! just couldn't!
because you are the one.end of a fucking story.
you just needed a reason to freak me out and quarrel.
because you are sooooo much afraid...m....

stop it,please.
i love you.
too much to tell
and desperate
too much to live
you don't give a shit now,but if i really had a choice to spend my entire life without you or to be with you for just one minute
i would choose this minute.


spoiled brain
yuuuuuup.4 days.keep counting.
calm as hell.3 days left,according to tradition.
it is,it is,surely to fuck


spoiled brain
hell yeah to friday's night tradition.

i love your wisdom and weirdness.
to wake up at 3 a.m. (in case that you'll have to be hard-working on 1.2 and 3 of august) just to see me and say that you miss.

'now you are the one for whom i may spend my love'
you know how weird is that of you?not the phraze,but the way you said that and fell in thoughts.
whatever,i told you then the way i feel.
see you at night,caramel


spoiled brain
she says-don't worry,girl
you have no reasons to be jealous also
trust me and you'll see

i cannot show him i'm really jealous.he trusts me.he's as sincere as he probably can be and he doesn't want to hide something from me.
he also doesn't want any jealousy by my side.
i promised not to be.and by the way i know that if he once told somebody he loves-that's for real.

friday's night tradition,honey,m?


spoiled brain
go with your new\another one girlfriend somewhere already
don't tease me
don't make me to quarrel with you
you should feel it hurts


spoiled brain
shitten psycho,calm the fuck down.

awright,ya cunts,as i see you don't need me there.oh,wait a sec.you need me to bring you news and pics.yeah,right.
because you don't fucking know where to get 'em.
and you have me.a fan for dammed three years.a fan that knows where to get rare stuff for you,lazy cunts
forget it.even if i back..oh,i know i won't.just will give some news,interview's translations and pics to admin and that's it
i'm so tired to understand i've been used.or ppl aren't really interested in me,but in smth i'm doing for them.
and now he's trying to bring me back.i'm assuring him he may not worry,cause his newsmaker isn't going anywhere and basically if he needs 'nice people' in his life-i didn't say that i'm removing him from mine.
there are enough 'nice' ppl on that site without me


what if you're making me all that i was mean to be

spoiled brain
woke up with that weird feeling again
it is all about how fast you can fall in love with someone
but the same fast you can decide that the feeling is gone
why am i not like you?
whatever.i will just be near when you need me
untill you find a woman you will be faithful to
you were right again.a little kitten i am.that's it.


spoiled brain

5 minutes ago
-love you,m
- ;-)

and then gone


spoiled brain
life could be much easier if people were not such idiots,my mates were not such arseholes and i was not such a bastard
lazy,indifferent and loathing bastard
yae yae yae,Ang,you wrote a post about me in your diary.i can even bet with somebody about it.
i even know what it would lead to.
couple of our,unfortunately our,so-called friends would read that,would hurt on me for hurting you,poorly bitch
i know you want problems for me for quarreling you with kat.i perfectly know this.
just you don't know i basically don't really care about what these ppl would think about me and would they be my friends eventually or not.
so dream on and invent new ways to hurt me somehow.you've already done that so many times that i actually want to kill you with a brick.ha


spoiled brain
if you just knew how fucking much i HATE you,Ann Jay
damned glamourous bitch.you're out of mind.
you have no idea about friendship,realtions...i am not sure already if you have a soul.
shit,i feel so fucking sick after met you.i think i'm gonna barf.

need to relax,lay my head on his knees and forget like a nightmare....


spoiled brain
oh well
if that's what you wanted-you've got it.i had a breakdown yesterday
i cried half the night and all morning
i am afucked by anything around me
last time i felt like this was when i fell in love with you.now it looks like i fell in love again.and again with you.
though it's damn weird

i am not asking about world peace.about billions and billions of dollars/euros or pounds,or immortality,new cellphone,another domestic animal,car,house on the beach or some shit everyone wants to have whether they recognize in it or not.i pray only about to see you and tell how much i need you
m,you need to come.i am fucking dying here.i feel it with every passing hour.i lost my usual
desire to do something,to eat,to drink,to talk to someone.basically don't know why am i still alive.probably because i know you come on saturday.maybe.
i read our previous talks.i cried all the time,no matter if it was a quarrel or peaceful and funny talk.i almost had a histeric when read our first quarrel and the way i told you i want to come back,and the way you told me you wanted to hug me and never let me go from the first time we met.and the way you taught me how to act in diff.situations,the way you asked me to help you.the way you laid your head on my knees,hugged it and purred like there was nothing else you wanted.
you should know how much i hate when you disappear.though all the time you're telling me it's not gonna happen again.you should know how fucking much my heart craving for you.
but even if i tell you it won't be the way i wrote it here.

come here and hug me already